...Over which I stand and glance and dance and cry and roar and weep and laugh. Every time I'm there I'm there and I can't help it. The torture it is to be the person that I am is quite worse than physical torture (though it is in some ways [solely in the mere being]) can be on the body. I have the inclination that I rule and rock'n'roll and kick more ass than anyone existent or imaginable. How? I can only answer that by stating how much I completely loathe myself in every way, shape, form, make-up, and pattern than anyone has hated anyone or oneself in the history of time and the possible extension of time in the future. The way that these two things are made possible, I don't know. I can't realize if I should love myself for the fact I can simultaneously love and loathe myself; or if I should hate myself for that fact. To me, it seems preposterous, yet it makes perfect sense for it is me.
I'm also concerned for my fellowman; for if I love myself so, but loathe myself uncertainly deeper or less deeply than anyone I hate currently, have hated or will ever hate, including myself, where does that leave him? Where does that leave anyone with whom I consort? I feel as though I am less than those with whom I consort, but it's in my unidentified nature to put those about whom I care forward before myself. Is this ridiculous or is this honorable? It's my mind that can't decide. Am I a fool or shall I carry on? Do I need pride, or is this pride that I've found a mere illusion, an allusion to a certain way of thinking, to which I've reverted? Is my self-hatred a bomb, and this mindset a half-shelter so that I might walk away alive, but with wounds to speak of?
All-in-all, this leaves me in an eternal war. One whose end will only be known when the battles cease; when I die. And in death, I won't know the outcome because there's no knowing after death, only darkness. Therefore, I will not voluntarily bring upon myself my own death. I only suppose it possible that my inner-peace treaty will be signed, but I hope not. Only in my confidence have I felt so able to thrive in public and social situations and it has felt so good to not feel like a troll amongst those who are weaker of mind than I, and it is the state of mind of one that reflects on the outside; how others will view you. And it has been my hatred for what lies inside my skeletal frame and in the mirror that has kept me writing and writing and writing. So both sides I'm thankful I have. Thankful toward the working of my mind.
I'll be schizophrenic, I'll be bi-polar gladly. The character depth I have will only be known to me and anyone who can deal with my ranting, raving, flailing, conceited, convinced, unsure self-detesting. That person will more than likely never be found. I'm one of a kind in a human race. I'm not arguing this as a positive or negative thing, but uniqueness can only be positive if you ask me, or anyone with a functioning brain.
Writing this I hope has inspired an outside source of thought, concern, criticism, respect, and admiration. If you enjoy me more for it, I completely understand. If you now hate me, or hate me evermore so , I understand more than you know.
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3 comments:
I like this post. You should and probably do know that most of the things you perceive people to think of you, in a negative light, have been wholly, unreasonably, and obtrusively created and cast upon others by you. This is largely unwarranted, though reasonable and relatable for skeptics, of the thinking sort, but you hyperbolize it ridiculously and in doing so, create something out of nothing that means nothing.
What I'm trying to say is: Relax. Everyone in this world has a lot of growing to do, the difference with you and I and like-minded others is that we understand to a greater extent the amount of work that is ahead of us in attempting to reach that quite unreachable goal of self-perfection, we better understand the problems that face us. It's overwhelming, and I think that your main and perhaps only problem is that you don't know how to handle the pressures and the stress of increasing knowledge and getting older. Take things one step at a time; don't try to bear the burden of the world on your shoulders, at least not all at once. It's okay sometimes to take extra trips to get the job done.
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