That "Tonight's going to suck" didn't really go how I thought it was about to. I thought I was peacing someone out but hope had sprung once again. And it made me realize how much hoping is like playing the lottery. How minuscule things that point in positive directions combine to build this two-dimensional illusion of things looking up. All just to find out that you've lost out. You put in effort and you get jack shit out of it. It's not a very optimistic way to look at something but it's how I'm looking at it now.
Last night I demonstrated self control like a badass. I was being kind of a drag about it, but still. I drank like half of what I usually have the capacity for. Maybe even less than half. You'll never believe it, but it went unappreciated. Baby steps, I guess. I better get used to acting like a person and not getting any incentive for it. It's weird because I feel like I'm doing everyone a favor but really I'm doing myself one and saving everyone else from some potential shit. I don't really understand how everyone else seems to be having a buzzin' good time when they barely drink anything. Maybe I keep it more real that I ever imagined. I think everyone exaggerates their buzzes exponentially to avoid real drinking. Which works I guess, but it's not keeping it very real if you ask me.
And when I say I was being a drag about controlling my drinking, I think I was really realizing how hard it is to even witness and endure what people are talking about and doing without without a steady buzz myself.
...I just ranted for a little bit but I deleted it. Maybe it's me.
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1 comment:
drinking is just an excuse to let loose the way people want to be but can't relax enough to let out. a lot of people don't want to get fucked up, just a little more dazed and little less self-conscious and worried about petty shit. that's why some people have an "exaggerated" buzz. chris eicher might be doing it because he thinks people will think he's cool, but most people just want to have a good time and chillaxxx, not getting all sick or retarded or crazy, just trying to socialize due to a lack of real people skills any other time. w00t w00t i'm glad you started blogging, my brother!
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